Sub Rosa

I haven’t written in a while. I could pretend that it’s just because Veganuary is over, so I haven’t had anything in particular to talk about. I could pretend that I’ve just been busy at work, and with moving to London. I could pretend a hundred million different things have happened to stop me from putting digital pen to paper.

But the truth is, I started writing a post, but it descended so quickly into ranting nonsense and self-hatred that there was no way I could publish it. It started off as “isn’t life as a graduate so hard?!” and ended with “isn’t my brain so fucked up?!”

I don’t have any major issues. I don’t need to ‘share my story’ to raise awareness for mental health. I’m pretty sure I’m fully recovered from my former depression. But still I moan, and cry, and write about how much I hate the things I do. And I guess everyone does. Or, most people.

Then again, maybe it is just me.

Anyway, I don’t want to get into all that self-loathing ranting again. Logically I know that I’m doing alright, that I’ve got a great job and a cool house and are surrounded by nice people who love me. It’s just hard to tell yourself that when you were so much happier a year ago.

I have decided to shut the Uni door of my life completely, and focus on my future. My last two years at Exeter were, in many ways, the best of my life. Despite having some major setbacks, I was truly happy, in a place I loved, doing something I was confident that I was good at. And now I feel anxious every day, going into a job that I’m terrified of fucking up. But there’s no use weeping for what is  over.

I started closing the Uni door by unfollowing everything University, Classics, and Exeter related on Facebook and Twitter. I added new LinkedIn connections that I’d met at a networking event, and started thinking more about the specific role I want to go into within the charity sector. I decided to start loving this life, in any way I could.

The next step to embracing my current life is to start the 100 Days of Happiness challenge again. I will (hopefully) post a photo of one thing each day which made me smile, and at the end of the hundred days, I can look back on the last few months and remember that there is happiness in the small things. I don’t want to flood my Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram with a photo each day, and I don’t always want to share them with everyone who might happen to be scrolling through their social media of an evening. So I’m going to post them here, ideally with a bit of commentary about why that particular thing made me happy, and why it balanced out the badness in my day.

That’s the plan, anyway. So, look out for my first Happiness photo, coming up in a brand spanking new post, in just a few moments time!


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