Zero Days of Happiness

Hello blog. Long time no see.

I didn’t manage to keep up 100 Days of Happiness. In my last post I spoke about how I would rather see it through to the end by posting photos a week at a time than stop half-way through. But I stopped, and I won’t be restarting.

I wanted to do 100 Days of Happiness because I wanted to remember that, no matter how overall bad a day was, I could always find at least one snapshot of something that made me smile. But life isn’t like that. Some days are just shit. And some days the things that make you happy aren’t the things you take photos of.

Today I went to the tombstone setting of the most unique and amazing person I ever met. It’s now a year and three months after her death, but it still hurts, and I still find myself thinking of her almost every day. I think of her when I walk to the station in the morning – I live near Arsenal, which she would have fucking hated as she was a massive Chelsea fan. I think of her when I walk past the synagogue near me – I’ve only ever been in one twice in my life, once for her funeral, and once today. I thought of her when the Manchester attacks happened – that Ariana Grande concert was exactly the kind of one she would have gone to, a massive stadium gig where she’d turn up five hours early to get to the front. I think of her all the time.

So today wasn’t really a day of happiness. It was a day of grief and mourning and remembrance. I cried and my friends cried and I felt so weak and shaky that I couldn’t sit still. I mourned for the life cut short, for the fact that she didn’t make it to 23 years old – her favourite number, and for the inevitable never-ending grief of her mum and dad and sister. I wish they didn’t have to go through it.

But, today was also a celebration of a hilarious, incredible, kind, clever girl who we all loved so deeply. She was a teacher and a clown and the best friend you’ll ever have, and quirky and funny and mad, and she was my Kels and I was her Kwis, and I will treasure the memories I have of her.

Today also gave me the opportunity to see friends I haven’t seen in years, and people I should catch up with more often. It also gave me the chance to laugh and reminisce, despite all the sadness. So I guess I did find a glimmer of happiness in a sad day.

The point is, taking photos of random parts of my day just to pretend that there was some shining light of joy which made it all okay seems ridiculous. Or at least unrealistic. But I knew I had to write again and end the 100 Days of Happiness for a reason. I’ll write when I want to write, not when I feel that I have to post a picture for the sake of a hashtag. And today, I wanted to write.

I miss you Kels. I hope you know how loved you were and are.

All my woofs,

Lil’ Kwis